An unusual anniversary

Exactly one year ago today, I lost the ability to bear children.  After a 15-year battle with fibroid tumors, multiple abdominal surgeries, a late-term miscarriage, and many months of hoping … a pregnancy is simply no longer an option for me.  That realization would have left me devastated five years ago, but today … not so much.

It’s been an interesting journey.  I started out with absolutely no desire to have children, only to discover that my husband had other ideas.  Was that something we should have discussed before the wedding?  Absolutely.  I shared my thoughts with him, but for some reason, he thought I would change my mind.  Did I?  Absolutely - although I don’t recommend our “tie the knot and hope it changes” method of planning for the future.  Two years into our marriage, I was dealing with a host of reproductive issues which ultimately lead to infertility.

I’ve received tons of advice from a lot of well-meaning people over the last ten years:

Just do in vitro … Try acupuncture … You just need to have more faith … 
Stop trying so hard … Just lose weight … Just do yoga ... 
Just take vitamins … Just use a surrogate … 
All you need to do is ask God … It’ll happen, you’re a good person … 

Sometimes I appreciated their attempts to help (although I did not appreciate the lady from church who told me that I could get pregnant without a uterus if I really believed in God), but more often than not, I was just frustrated because I was unsure of the path that God had for me.  We decided against fertility treatments early on, so I prayed about it regularly (in spite of what that lady from church thought), and went on with my life.  I went back to college, I discovered a passion for social work, and we parented teens in foster care.  

In hindsight, I can see that this was the path that God had for us.  During the journey, I developed a desire to help abused and neglected kids.  At times it’s been frustrating and terrifying, but I was able to get through it because He gave me the heart to do so.  He also gave me a better understanding of abusive parents.  I still get upset with parents who mistreat their children, and sometimes I lose it when kids are treated as an afterthought or an inconvenient consequence of an old relationship.  The difference is I’m learning to have more compassion for people – even those who behave badly.

Today is an unusual anniversary for me because instead of grieving like I expected, I'm actually feeling optimistic.  I have no idea of what the future holds, but some of my paths are becoming more clear and it's allowing me to breathe much easier.