Deena Saunders-Green, M.S.W.
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An unusual anniversary

8/13/2015

4 Comments

 
Exactly one year ago today, I lost the ability to bear children.  After a 15-year battle with fibroid tumors, multiple abdominal surgeries, a late-term miscarriage, and many months of hoping … a pregnancy is simply no longer an option for me.  That realization would have left me devastated five years ago, but today … not so much.

It’s been an interesting journey.  I started out with absolutely no desire to have children, only to discover that my husband had other ideas.  Was that something we should have discussed before the wedding?  Absolutely.  I shared my thoughts with him, but for some reason, he thought I would change my mind.  Did I?  Absolutely - although I don’t recommend our “tie the knot and hope it changes” method of planning for the future.  Two years into our marriage, I was dealing with a host of reproductive issues which ultimately lead to infertility.

I’ve received tons of advice from a lot of well-meaning people over the last ten years:
Just do in vitro … Try acupuncture … You just need to have more faith … 
Stop trying so hard … Just lose weight … Just do yoga ... 
Just take vitamins … Just use a surrogate … 
All you need to do is ask God … It’ll happen, you’re a good person … 


Sometimes I appreciated their attempts to help (although I did not appreciate the lady from church who told me that I could get pregnant without a uterus if I really believed in God), but more often than not, I was just frustrated because I was unsure of the path that God had for me.  We decided against fertility treatments early on, so I prayed about it regularly (in spite of what that lady from church thought), and went on with my life.  I went back to college, I discovered a passion for social work, and we parented teens in foster care.  

In hindsight, I can see that this was the path that God had for us.  During the journey, I developed a desire to help abused and neglected kids.  At times it’s been frustrating and terrifying, but I was able to get through it because He gave me the heart to do so.  He also gave me a better understanding of abusive parents.  I still get upset with parents who mistreat their children, and sometimes I lose it when kids are treated as an afterthought or an inconvenient consequence of an old relationship.  The difference is I’m learning to have more compassion for people – even those who behave badly.


Today is an unusual anniversary for me because instead of grieving like I expected, I'm actually feeling optimistic.  I have no idea of what the future holds, but some of my paths are becoming more clear and it's allowing me to breathe much easier.     
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4 Comments
Gina Aguurre
8/14/2015 12:20:00 pm

So good to hear your voice my friend. Glad you're writing and so happy you're healthy. 💕

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Deena
8/15/2015 04:53:43 am

Thanks Gina, I'm working on it. 😌

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Lavyddya
8/14/2015 12:46:03 pm

Hi cousin, I have gone through the experience of having to come to grips with the fact that I would never become pregnant and have a child. I too went through a grieving process but continued to pray that God would bless and use me. One day I was talking to an elderly neighbor who told me that she and her husband were never blessed to have children but that she had touched the lives of many. What she told me next has stuck with me she said, "not all trees are meant to bear fruit. some trees are for shade and bring comfort. So today I proudly embrace that fact that I am a shade tree who nurtures and brings comfort. God bless you.

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Deena
8/15/2015 05:14:34 am

Lavyddya, that is absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.

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    I'm a social worker, a foster parent, a mentor, and a writer. I enjoy working with young adults; particularly those who are navigating through life after foster care.  

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